It’s starting right now.

There are a lot of things that I don’t do because I’m too scared, too anxious, too shy, too worrisome, too this or too that. Not the right fit. Not the right person. Not the right personality. Not the right ambition. I endlessly drive myself crazy thinking of what ifs – what if it goes wrong, what if it doesn’t work out, what if it’s the worst decision of my life, what if I instantly regret it or come to regret it later down the line, what if I wish I hadn’t done it, what if I’m so embarrassed I never want to talk about it again. What if?

I have goals in life that I could list down for you if you asked me, but in the back of my head I’m realistic in the sense that I don’t believe these things will actually happen. Things like that don’t happen to people like me.

I often wonder what my life would be like if someone else was in my body, or to put it in a simpler way, if I was in someone else’s body. If I was born as so and so person, would I have achieved the same things they did? I guess that’s the entire point of being an individual. We can look the same and be entirely dissimilar. A body is a body but only a shell. Our memories, experiences, achievements, hopes and dreams.. that’s what makes us. Breaking out of routine is hard, especially when it brings you comfort.

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TURNING 30

“We have to be able to grow up. Our wrinkles are our medals of the passage of life. They are what we have been through and who we want to be.” ~ Lauren Hutton

I don’t know many people who get excited about aging. Birthdays, yes. That number that changes each year, no. Yet, there are some great benefits that come with. No, not the grey hair or the wrinkles. But inner wisdom that can only be gained by years lived. The most important one: Self Confidence.

I have always considered birthdays more of a milestone then the changing of the year. Yes, a new year begins with people making all of these resolutions, as well as annoyingly struggling to remember to write the correct date. But it is birthdays, especially as we age which can bring many more important milestones to mark the passage of time and growth then any resolution. It is our younger selves that as we gain freedom, we learn and grow and as adults we (hopefully) gain more wisdom.

Aging can be controversial. I know many people who hate it. While I might joke about it, I have never been in that category. And now that I am “old,” each year I get is a true blessing. One I don’t take for granted, because so many people don’t get to see another year. Yes, old age brings that thing called adulting, as well as all the wrinkles and gray hair, oopps! But adulting, that word society thinks is so dirty, is incredibly freeing, empowering and confidence building if we are willing to embrace it.

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Purpose

You know, I envisioned this blog as my personal diary, a forum where I could dish out my most happy and saddest moments. Both my triumphs and tribulations. My expectations and grief. That has only partly come to fruition because guess what?

Writing about your life isn’t easy when others are peering in. It’s tough to be totally honest when you have friends, family and peers watching, reading and probably judging. It has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be. Continue reading

4 Things That I Am Grateful For. What About You?

Ok I’ll start.

1| A functioning body. You truly don’t appreciate this until you lose some aspect of it. As I get older I find myself more and more worried and afraid of death. Both for myself and my darling husband. Sometimes my mind races and I think ‘what will I do without him? What will he do without me?”. Unhealthy right? I know.

I’ve started working out regularly and eating healthier just to treat my body with the love and respect it needs. And I’ve laid off of the negative podcasts and entertainment. I do love a good true crime binge but I’ve come to realize it depresses me, makes me paranoid and the world generally looks so morbid after. Only plants for me these days, thank you!

2| Earning a living. I’ve been in the workforce since I was 20 years old. Through different programs then on to temporary roles then to more substantive permanent ones. I’d say though, that only within the past couple years, have I been truly enjoying what I’m doing for a living. I’m still not at 100% on whether I’m there to stay but my outlook on work is more positive. Whether I remain in the corporate workforce or be my own boss remains to be seen. What I can say though is that I’m truly happy and grateful for these moments of true happiness. We all know there are ups and downs at work, but all in all, I’m happy. Continue reading

Life Update: Take a Break

Hey y’all!

We’re onto the last week of the month of March already! How’s everyone holding up? I’m quite tired, to be honest. I don’t know what exactly to update on but I shall just mention whatever I can think of. The virus has taken over the world, and also all conversations. What did we all even talk about before? I can barely remember. I wonder what would be trending on Twitter if there was no coronavirus now.

Corona is groing crazy, and everything is shut down. This means a lot of us have to work from home. And let’s be honest, it’s a lot harder than you imagined. I mean who really wants to work while being at home. Many things have been happening in the world and I think we all could use a break from the news to just talk to each other and update on how we’re feeling/doing*.

Grab a hot cup of tea or coffee or any drink of your choice and settle down to hear some chatter from me.

*to keep things light, I will not be talking about the coronavirus situation itself, but all the talk will be about other things. We all need a break.

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Goodbye 2019

Oh wait…

Okay, Heni, how cynical can I possibly be?

It might be cynical, but people think a new year and new beginnings, instantly translates into a new them. They put so much pressure on themselves, because of a date, setting resolutions that aren’t attainable because the expectations are to high and the steps to vague. Frustration sets in and the bandwagon everyone jumped on, they are now jumping off.

I am all for positive thinking, but I also don’t live by the motto that a new year means all the miseries of the prior year have been erased. It would be lovely if it did, but we can’t erase chapters out of our story. Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t skip a chapter. Continue reading

What about finding the beauty in our every day lives?

Mundane
Adjective

  1. Lacking interest or excitement; dull.

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Let’s face it — life can be mundane sometimes. There’s the day in, day out shuffle of work or school or whatever else it is you do on a daily basis and no matter what you do to try to spice things up, things will probably start to feel boring at some point. Often we can get caught up thinking that if we lived in a busier city or a more beautiful area we would be able to take more amazing pictures or videos. Lately however I’ve been finding myself appreciating the mundane everyday scenes in my life and using the techniques I have learned to capture them in the most visually pleasing way possible at the given time. This has given me a whole new respect for photography/videography and the gorgeous scenes around me that I overlook on a regular basis.

This appreciation of the mundane has taught me a lot in the way of composing my shots and respecting where the light is falling to get the best photo/video possible of something that is ultimately quite boring. As with all art there is no failing but the exercise itself is a great way to learn more about light and capturing it through a photo/video. And also as a way to express what you think looks interesting.

Even if you don’t think the result is a breathtaking photo/video simply enjoy the process of composing a shot. This approach takes away the pressure we put on ourselves. If you don’t mind check out my Youtube video “‌Heni Eka Sari”. :p

The other day on Tumblr, I spotted this intriguing photograph created by Amanda Mabel and it got me to thinking: why can’t I find more magic in the mundane? I ask this question not in the sense of why doesn’t the magic exist, but in the sense of why can’t I personally find the magic that’s already there. Continue reading

So Far, So Good, What’s Next?

Now, you know I’m a planner. I like lists and calendars and color coding by subject. So, once I recognized what I can and cannot change, I broke it down further. I ask loads of questions.

I know that. Y’all know that. My family and friends know that. But what’s different about this process is that I answered my own questions.

I asked and answered questions to come up with a plan. I used the same system of dividing the page in my journal so I could see it all together. Continue reading

Motherhood & Work: How I Survive

I am not a supermom. Supermom doesn’t exist in my house. I’m a juggler. A multi-tasker. A problem-solver. But I’m not a “Supermom” — or this idea of a woman unharmed by the stress of working motherhood.

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As a lot of working moms know, being an “everything mom” (as I call it) comes at the expense of my own mental health. Stress is among the leading causes of physical and emotional health decline in the realm of motherhood, and yet we continue to pour ourselves into everything we do like unintentional martyrs — because it’s expected of us. Continue reading

Making Conscious Choices

Some days I am in a good place, some days I am not. Today is one of those days I am not.

I haven’t had a lot of good days lately, sigh, I am so tired. I don’t believe I am not a fun person, I try not to get attached easily and definitely not impulsive, so that’s why I keep asking myself how I got here. I have always been saving myself from experiencing the things I feel right now, I am so upset and it makes me angry that I am.

Image from here

So why do I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I find it hard to cry, tears won’t come, I am so tired. This is the part where I go numb and say fuck it. I probably don’t make sense to you right now, that’s the point. Continue reading